Some names have been changed.
This post contains some dark and perhaps mature content, of abuse and sexual abuse, I will put *** in a row before and after such content. As this is not the norm, I have not marked my blog as such, but it involved my past and explains in depth more what caused my PTSD.
Today is M's birthday.[began at 7/15] As I lied awake last night, fretting over nothing and everything at the same time, the insomnia driving me. The stupid insomnia caused by that crazy kleptomaniac from Hellmont, waking to find someone looking at your panties right in front of your face in a room you should feel safe in is f***ing scary. Especially when you found out that she had continually been going into your room like every night.
I wanted so much just two months ago to celebrate today with M together. He was the only kind guy that I dated. I touched upon this in my other blog, but I want to delve into this in here as this is my personal blog.
Way back when I was 17, there were two guys who got crushes on me Kevin and Tim, and they were best friends. I caused them to not be friends for a while, but now they are good friends again, and so there are many lies that are believed that I am not going to try to argue about or even offer evidence that I have in medical records. Yes, medical records.
Now Kevin was my type, nerdy, smart, shy, kind, sweet, and so on... I flirted with him and pulled a sly maneuver to see if he was single, and unlike most guys on level with his nerdiness, he actually puzzled out that I had pulled that move! Yet, once he found out that Tim liked me, too, he pretended to not be interested in me, so I sort of gave up the fight. Then Tim turned on the charm.
I hadn't had a boyfriend. I had only kissed one guy, once! I had wanted that first kiss to be my boyfriend even, but he had written me a very compassionate note apologizing as to why he could not be my boyfriend, that I discovered when I woke up. (I fell asleep as we were watching Phantom of the Opera, which is when the kiss occurred, it was like Hollywood perfect, cliche first kiss.)
So Tim was cute and nice and began to flirt. He was goth, which I liked. He was funny, he understood me very well, and he seemed to have an air of intelligence. He claimed to have graduated from high school early, knowing at least two foreign languages, and many other things that I found extremely interesting. Now, as I went to a school where people did graduate early and speak a few languages fluently, it did not dawn on me that he was lying straight to my face.
Tim was a pathological liar, and I had no idea. I was naive and young, and Kevin watched as I fell into the arms of someone who he knew was dangerous. After Tim got tired of me and left me, Kevin had admitted that he knew that Tim was violent, but he didn't think that Tim would be violent to a girl. Of course I did not even think that Tim could be violent as he soon became a best friend to me, and was there to comfort me as another crush I had did not work out well.
Tim was there to catch me as I was emotionally in turmoil, and he gladly was there to take advantage of it. He blatantly lied that he hadn't been in a relationship either, that as we were embarking on becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, this was both our first experience of anything near this. M did the same thing, just blatantly pushing aside relationships that he felt did not count. I always seem to fall for this, sadly.
Tim was a great boyfriend for the first month of our dating. He was so sweet and kind. He often would show up to my apartment nearly every day to go for a walk or to go to his best friend Zack's house and hang out there. I could not have guessed the horrors that I was going to be exposed to. It was the end of the first month that Tim began to exhibit controlling behavior, that he did not want me to go to places without him. I never really saw anything too wrong with it, but eventually it came to a point that he forced me to stop going to my church.
Two more weeks went by and I will never forget what happened, but I can never remember why it happened. He hit me in the face, so hard that I fell to the floor, my jaw aching so badly. I began to cry and I ran to my room, and it had no lock, so I leaned against the door to try to keep it closed. Tim quickly ran to it and began to apologize that he had lost control, he did not know what happened to him, it would never happen again, and eventually he budged the door open.
I foolishly believed him as he hugged me. There was a reason I ran to my room though was because this situation was familiar My mother and sister had often argued and then the argument became violent and they would throw things, or my mother would hit my sister with an object. My mother often would make up to my sister, but it never stopped the violence later, from either of them.
I believed him the second and third time, too. I stopped believing after that, but because my apartment door's lock could be jiggled open, and he hinted that I would not be around if I ever tried to leave him or go to the police, I realized that I just had to endure it.
Okay I am about to talk about the Bible, actually link things from the Christian King James Bible. Which I find it only appropriate for mature readers.
*******************************************************************************************
My sister who had moved into the heart of Chicago had experienced an even worse live-in boyfriend, so I felt determined that I could persevere. She had also been pressuring me to read the Bible. Cut off from my church, unfortunately I did, I began to avidly read the Bible, which turned out to be a very unfortunate thing.
It was things like Leviticus Ch12 which essentially is just saying that women are unclean after having a child. I was trying to find books that told of how God wanted his children to live. I was shocked to see that. But then there is Leviticus Ch19:9-30, that having your period is sinful. That just existing as a female is sinful. Yet, my sister kept urging me to keep reading the Bible. Chapter 20 is mostly agreeable, like don't go around sleeping with your family, except for 20:18-"And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nackedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people." Another verse essentially pressing that it is sinful to have your period... but especially to have sex during it. Wow there is just so much, let me make a separate page for this...
Deuteronomy Ch 22:28-29 “A man might find a virgin girl who is not engaged and force her to have sexual relations with him. If other people see this happen, he must pay the girl’s father 20 ounces of silver.And the girl will become the man’s wife, because he used her for sexual sin. He cannot divorce her all his life.
--Easy to Read Version
Now, I had many Bibles, and they all pretty much said that, but not in such nice and plain terms. More objectifying the woman. You can guess what happened to me next. I was raped in a city, and I thought that I was damned to hell unless we would marry. It was a brutal rape. We had been kissing and he went to take off my pants and I was uncomfortable and about to express such when it began to happen. The pain of my flesh being torn was so bad that it took my breath away. It hurt worse than a lot of my nerve pain from my back. Once he managed to force most of himself in I began to scream for him to stop.
Hands around my neck and harsh words for me to be quiet made me just quietly whisper for him to stop. I tried to push him off me, but he felt like he weighed hundreds of pounds, so I began hitting his chest, to no avail. I desperately begged for him to stop what he was doing, as tears poured from my eyes from the sheer physical pain of being torn to pieces, my cervix being crushed, and the emotional pain that someone I trusted so dearly was betraying me so harshly. It seemed to have lasted for an eternity, but it was minutes. It was unprotected, and I felt as he climaxed inside me. Fear of hell, pregnancy, Tim killing me, and so many other things raced through my mind. As soon as he was done he shoved me away, into the wall his bed was against and he lit a cigarette and told me to get dressed.
I was sobbing as I stood up, I thought that the pain had been bad lying down. He asked me why I was crying and I quietly said that it hurt, but he shrugged it off. Once I was dressed he demanded that I go home. It was around 1AM, It was a dangerous neighborhood. It was below freezing by this point and I had no coat. I tried to ask to stay or for a coat or anything, but he got very angry and yelled for me to leave immediately.
*****************************************************************************************
After I had been first raped by my first boyfriend Tim, the walk home from his house took me a lot longer than usual, due to the pain I was in. Once I arrived back to my apartment, my roommate greeted me giddily and was like, "Oh my god, you did it! You lost your virginity, didn't you?" Thinking that I had been returning from a romantic wonderful night, she hugged me and I resumed crying, and I said I was very tired, I went to my room, and I fretted as I was in pain and bled for days.
I was so scared about being pregnant. Especially as Tim began to re-exhibit his behavior of that horrible night. I learned that if I did not fight it, it caused less pain. Somehow over six months, even though I blacked out from being choked, got nasty bruises from that, too, and got sprains, and was raped and then just became a sex object to be used because I was not safe if I fought it, I did not die or get pregnant.
Yet Tim left other permanent scars. Aside from the two suicide attempts, and then another third one, every time someone raises their voice in anger I back away, I get stiff, I get scared, I feel fear. It is as if I expect to be hit. It did not help that my step mother screamed at me and then my father beat the crap out of me before I was kicked out, either, lol.
I had no trust in any male I meet. Although I have mostly male friends, I do not like to be alone one on one with them, which is why on Friday when I had food with a guy I met at the arcade, and it was just us, it was very unusual. And by the end of the night things were dredged up that left me bothered for the entire weekend. Skittish at going to a place to eat with a guy in a crowded place in the same mall that the arcade is in...
Scar tissue is on my cervix, a lot. It is 'damaged', a doctor asked me if I had been raped. I probably cannot carry a child to term. I have to take birth control pills to control my period or else it is extremely painful, due to the mis-shaping that occurred during my abuse. It is also possible that my urethra was affected by the abuse, too, which made all my catheters very annoying and painful.
Kevin had become a really good friend during the time I had been dating Tim, because they were friends, I was allowed to fraternize. Kevin was one of the first people I broke down and confessed to the horrors of what happened, and I did not even go into detail. What is mentioned above is just brushing the very top. Kevin sympathized, and began to dislike Tim, although that hadn't been what I was trying to do.
Now, years later, Kevin believes what ever the lies were that Tim told him about those horrible 6 months. I am not going to go about showing off my medical records to show that I have proof, although I could, but I am sad that Tim is so sociopathic that he can trick people so easily.
Last night I was calculating how much of what medications I needed to take to kill myself, and I realized that I needed help. I went through my contact list, and I came up dry... So desperately I called Kevin, someone who I can always call if need be. But, it is always tinged now, with him thinking that I am some sort of evil person who was trying to ruin his friend's life or something. About a year and a half ago now, Tim kept trying to contact me. The last time he did so, he described in detail how he was going to come to California and kill me, so I began to file for a restraining order. Kevin found out and began to chastise me.
Tim had just gotten out of jail, how could I do such a thing? Because he abused me physically and sexually and has made many threats on my life, maybe? But, no, my word is never good enough. It is never ever good enough. Not for Kevin... Not for my best friend even. He shrugs off my word all the time, and it eats at me. For people who don't live by the Bible they sure seem to think a lot like it, that a woman's word is so worthless.
Last night Kevin kept bringing the subject of Tim up, seeming to know that it was probably Tim's mistreatment, or my perceived mistreatment, that lead me to be so uncomfortable with males. I don't know how you misunderstand being chocked into unconsciousness, but to each their own judgments I suppose.
It is so messed up, but I with that M had beaten me, or raped me, or something, so that I could just hate him and move on with everything. Instead I get tortured by silence. Emotional abuse is the worst kind that I ever handled, my whole life, that's what has done the most damage. I cannot know that the following is not true, because M is ignoring, but it seems that yes, he wants me out of his completely, he does not want me to exist. He has joined that group of people who were once close to me, but who now would be happier if I was just gone.
It really doesn't help my suicidal thoughts... He's another person weighing on the scale who would benefit if I did kill myself. Besides, I'm a woman, I am damned to hell anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment