M is in my head, and I can't get him out. I take a strong sleeping medication that often causes me to sleep through up to fifteen alarms on my phone, alarm clocks (yes plural), and people trying to wake me, I will lie to them in my sleep. Yet it is approaching 5 AM and I can't stop thinking about him.
I often keep telling myself, it's not like it was my first time, but it is sort of like telling someone who has tried to learn to swim and nearly drown, it's not like they've not swam before. It was my first consensual act, one of my pysch professionals said essentially it was like I lost my virginity to him.
So is this why people write all these sappy songs about break-ups and such? I never realized the act could be intimate, and not painful. Special, close, instead of scary and forceful.
M... I listen to too much Ayumi Hamasaki, that is the name of my favorite song, about someone that she should love.
Now I have seen more of the spectrum of the world, from childhood molestation abated by candy, to finding love and making the act of it. I will try to sleep again, but he is still in my head. M, "for everyone who has been hurt" from her song, yes... M is a great song.
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