It's been 17 days since I have been on my new mental cocktail. I have not felt such mental clarity since I was in high school. When I look back now, my biggest issues were not with myself, they were with or caused by my parents, and they are still my father and my step-mother and the people that they choose to be.
How badly I want to just see M tonight. I wish he would just come, change his mind, take me back. I suppose it was not one of those situations of what was it that I did wrong, if he just decided he didn't like me. I feel very used, but it doesn't rid the deep attachment I wish that I didn't have.
When you don't have family that cares about you, or many friends, and then you fall in love, I suppose that it can only be natural to be so crushed if you are later rebuked after being used. Used and thrown away again. That seems to be my biggest ambition in life, I am around for guys to use and throw away once they are done, this was just the first time I wanted it. The way that he is behaving now is showing how grossly immature he is, refusing to return calls, emails, texts, or messages. I finally went and sent him a letter. I honestly do not expect him to read it.
All those unread words....
How many I wonder, are there?
Not even including all the unspoken and unwritten words in my heart, the words burning my soul, the unread words weighing me down as I try to move forward. I just want to move forward, but I cannot grieve without seeing the corpse. He said that he wanted back 2 of his shirts... 1 he specifically said I could have, as in have, gift, the other I would return. I had been wearing it around for days, smelling it, complaining that it had been at the bottom of his drawer too long and it smelled like plywood.
I have never felt this sort of happiness that is sort of just is welling from my soul, and yet this sorrow that is bleeding my happiness dry. It is like a vicious cycle, well it is a vicious cycle.
I still have the anxiety attacks, I mean, hell I can't fall asleep until 5AM still because of the crazy girl from Hillmont! I am still cutting impulsively... But overall I would say the happiness of my life has gone up. Why do things have to end up the way that they do?
Is M happy alone? Is he much happier without any communication from me in his life? Does M enjoy life much more just not thinking about me at all? Is that what it is? He just is trying to forget about me?
Our past forms us into what and who we are today, for better or worse, is what I believe. That is how my mother saw it. I take her stance on this.
But if he didn't have any feelings for me, why was this purge even needed?! I don't get it. It seems redundant. If you don't give a shit about something anymore, why would you need to forget about it?
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