I am typing in the evening for once, instead of my zombie-insomnia state. It almost feels weird. So a friend has been trying to get me back into World of Warcraft, but I have a problem with sitting up straight for very long, it causes great pain. I usually need to recline at around 45 degrees or so to prevent such pain, or delay it, and elevate my knees to around chest level to prevent pain. Even with a bunch of pillows and blankets putting my body into a beyond ergonomic position, I have still been experiencing pain using the computer for too long, having to put more pillows to adjust my hips to be askew depending on which nerves are hurting.
Despite such gross physical limitations, the government deems me perfectly fine to work, but I really cannot think of any job. It is 7:30PM and I have not eaten food yet today, because of the severe pain walking to the restroom caused. I mean, forget food when it hurts that bad!
M is still ignoring me. A mutual friend who unfortunately has probably been put into the middle is still in contact with me and going to read chapter 1 of my novel if he ever gets time. I watched a movie this morning called "What If..." it was very Christian themed, but even for non-religious or other religions, it was a very nice film. Essentially about a big time business man and what if he had became a family man and a man of God instead. It's made me dwell on my novel some.
M reeks of Mahoku so badly. Oh, I get to say it on here, because no one in my life except perhaps my sister and the nice guy from Google know about this email! Mahoku is a main character in my novel series. He is very intelligent and he can be kind in his own right, but he is usually reserved and does not consider others a lot when it comes to general life. I wonder if maybe that is why I fell so hard for M... I fell for a person that I have known for many years, through my own work of fiction, I just coincidentally met someone who was the same in personality. It makes me feel good as a writer that they match well, like hey, real character flaws and strengths! But, it is extremely disturbing to me if I am correct...
M kept secrets from me that prevented a lovely future, much like in What If..., Mahoku is the same sort of person, that he would keep secrets if he felt they were unwarranted to be heard. The more I learn about M the more I find out he is like my fictional character, and the more disturbed I am.
On some level you would think it would make me fall out of love, but Mahoku is a good man at the core, or at least it seems so from what you see in the first novels. Yet, I am not the person for him, the person who can make him happy romantically.
So here I am in pain, comparing my ex-boyfriend to a character in my novel on a blog no one is probably ever going to read. Well, it is my outlet, my only outlet. The suicidal desires are very bad today, very bad. M has fallen on side with my father, step-mother, and many others who's lives would be better if I finally succeed with taking my life. M would probably never find out that I even killed myself for one. He is so dead-set on ignoring me and removing every shred of me from his life, that he would probably never find out if I died or won the lotto. He would never hear from me again, think I finally came to my senses, and be happy that I was gone.
My father and step-mother made it quite clear when I was 15 that if I killed myself it would be a good thing. Although now my father acts like he is concerned about my mental health, I do not understand the reason for the ruse. I am freaking out so badly. I am alone in my room, which is a bad thing, I shouldn't be alone in my room. I'm eyeing those blood pressure pills I refilled JUST in case I decided to take them all.
A doctor did mention that I could not succeed and cause permanent damage, but if my calculations are right, or even kind of off, that bottle alone should stop my heart and lungs. Propranolol, I never should have been put on it in the first case. Ironically the doctor who prescribed it, get this, I was sent to see her for depression! While I was on propranolol to try to help my migraines, I got like 3 concussions and kept fainting due to severe hypotension (low blood pressure), and she suggested that the fainting was due to psychological reasons! My psychiatrist urged me to get a new PCP (primary care physician), and I had already scheduled for one by that time.
I have that, two full bottle of Valium, and a full bottle of Ultram. I'd fall asleep forever. I mean, if I am realistic, it is going to be hard to sue that doctor who ruined my life forever, and even if I do, the money I'll see will be so minimal. The pain is so bad. Emotionally yes, but physically, I don't know how much longer I can do it.
I have an appointment to see my back surgeon next week. It would be rude to kill myself before then, given how busy they are there, so maybe he can help with the pain. I just am wearing myself so thinly, I am about to break. There is pain bad that you scream, cry, sob, then shake, and are silent, then you are just still because you just want to die. I used to hurt like 5/10 or maybe a 6 on bad days. Now 8-10/10 for hours on end is not unusual, it is as if every day after I left Hellmont I hurt more and more, like a wound getting reopened again and again and again.
I must be pathetic, I have a plan as to how to off myself, but I am enduring agony to be polite to my nice doctor, just in case he has a solution. I will admit that when I went to the hospital that I was forced to go to when I last tried to take a walk, and collapsed, and got pain management, all suicidal thoughts soon dissipated. Maybe that's why I feel suicidal, I cannot really think of any other reason, just that life is hurting. It hurts too much to eat, breathe, sleep, anything. The pain is so bad, I take the pills, but they don't help much, if they even help. Right now, they won't help, I am too far gone. I guess since I am being polite to live to that appointment I will look for epsom salts, magnesium sulfate salts do help ease some of the pain, and do not get you high if you snort them.
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