Grieving

Written 7/5

So, in his words, I showed up at M’s house uninvited and unannounced. His father seemed rather happy to see me. Something I said while I was off two of my very crucial medications had made him decide that he wanted to erase me from his life.

The jury is still out about the relationship being romantic then not, but one little comment affected him so much, which affected me so much. I lost around 20lbs. from not eating for days. Once his silence began, so did my fasting. Food in my mouth made me feel sick.

I apologized after I said to him, to enjoy his life and check the obits for me, because he was already trying to sever our friendship. I quickly admitted that I was out of line. I can type faster than I can speak, and it was on Skype, so it was a disaster after all.

What shocked me is that he read all of my text messages. He read all of my emails. Yet, even knowing that he was tearing my heart to pieces he just did not reply, as if he had never seen them. Silence can be the most hurtful thing that a person can say to another. I wanted to cry so badly as my roommate drove downtown to work. I held my tears back completely, though.

My so-called best friend claims that in the last weeks I have been horribly depressed. Last Friday I had a blast showing a Japanese man where Anime Jungle was, and having half Japanese half English conversation with him.

I do not really have friends I realize now. I thought I had a few, but I have more just a scattering of people I know who think that they know me, but they apparently do not. My best friend, I am a stranger to him now, because he is so involved with his job and World of Warcraft. I have even spoken with him, but all was on deaf ears, and I had no idea.

That is why losing M’s friendship was devastating to me. I have fallen back into having trouble eating. The idea makes me want to throw up. The mental problems I have, the government thinks that they are severe enough that people can be considered disabled on them, and M thinks that those problems do not affect my mental state when I speak?

I only finally this month got everything in order with my medicine so that perhaps I can begin to try to heal and grow. I applied to Ventura college, albeit an hour away from my house, to take online classes, got accepted, and will retake all my A.P. classes from high school. Ah, won’t that be fun? Retaking everything…

I wonder if I told M what his silence has done to me. I've broken down… I want to cut more if he is not in my life, because then I only have one person who is disapproving of me harming myself. I don’t want to eat. I want to cry all the time. My soul hurts so badly, at a time of elation and joy that I feel almost normal again… well normal for me. I am super weird still. He would call it blackmail or guilt tripping. He said I was guilt tripping in his emails, but I did not mean to, nothing I said in there was my intent to guilt trip. I think he has just gotten so defensive that he cannot see the forest for the trees.

Being alone was the one thing I never wanted in my life. Ever since I was little and left alone a lot because my mom had to have dialysis, I have hated being alone and without friends, etc. Yet, here I stand, alone, save for the few times people recall that cripple girl with the blue hair.

7/7 3AM

One of those few people showed up on Friday evening after I wrote all of that. I also made a new friend, sort of, check my other blog for details on that thing... S.C. I hadn't seen in over a year, it was surprising to see him, and he was surprised to see me in a wheelchair. We soon went over our own health ailments and how they've both unfortunately gotten worse for both of us!

Once my new friend on wheels of his own left, I had a very fun evening. I also am going to do artwork for a friend who wants to begin doing youtube videos, but I shall not reveal my moniker due to privacy I would like to keep for anyone mentioned here... Except for people like how Michael Cera got trolled by a worker, Rudy at the arcade, at the arm wrestling game, by telling him to fight the hardest guy. Nathan, another good worker, also tried to troll some guy on Friday. Jeez, trolls... (I really am not one to speak, I troll on people all the time.)

I came to a strange realization that I had been harboring this little crush for quite some time for S.C. when he gently touched my hand in a comforting manner. I immediately flushed. It took me until around tonight to realize, yeah, a little crush for some time. I spoke to him about it, and he pulled such a girl move. Guys always blame girls for never being direct, and hinting at things, but guys totally do it, too! He was offering up excuses as to why I shouldn't even like him, but not saying anything near 'ah, well, I am flattered, but I don't really feel that way towards you.' When I pointed that out he gave this huge exasperated sigh, and I began to giggle, just amused by him.

If he ever moves back in town, and situations match up, I might get a date. He reminds me a lot of this guy I had a crush on for years back when I was younger, who I scared out of the country. He was ten years my elder, but our moms were best friends. We went to the same schools, and the same church, and when I was a teenager, he was a youth helper. Finally when it was confronted that we both liked one another, he left to Haiti within two months. I never understood what he did.

I was of legal age by that time, and we were both good devout Catholics, there would have been nothing wrong with the situation. Perhaps he was afraid I might have caused him to not be devout? I don't know. Maybe I should email him and see if he ignores it, too, lol. 

Tonight for some reason I really felt an ache for missing M. The grieving has begun. DABDA, I remember it well from when my mother died. I was in a therapy group in my middle school for kids who had bad things going on. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I sort of went through denial, anger, bargaining, and began feeling depression, but now it feels like I am back to denial. Like I finally finished the funeral, I got my closure. At least I am finally falling out of love with him.

He was not entirely upfront with me when we began to date. I believe he fell in love with a self mutilator he knew online, and one day he stopped hearing from her, so he assumed her dead. He never fell in love with me. I guess he never could. He never counted it because it was online, but it is what ruined what we had together, it was that secrecy that caused me so much heartache and pain.

If I get into a situation where I might date a guy, I try to be frank and upfront about what is wrong with me, I am a sexual abuse survivor, I was raped in past relationships, I was abused in past relationships, and I don't have a close connection with my family. It often turns a guy off, but I can never forget the words of the guy I dated for six and a half years saying that if he had known all of it, he wouldn't have dated me, and he wish I hadn't been raped for how it affected me sexually. Not emotionally, not me, but all for him. So let guys run away, if the guy is still there then I can try.

M was still there, he said he didn't mind.