As I began a blog chronicling my life struggling with being "slightly disabled" I realized that writing out the problems and issues I feel and that I am struggling with makes me feel limited there. I want to empower people with that blog, here, this shall be more personal.
It is amazing what can happen in 3 months.
I am probably a fool.
I am a survivor of sexual abuse as a child, and rape and assault as a young adult and as an adult. I had my second boyfriend when I turned 18, and I thought he was nice because he would purchase me things every now and then, and not beat the shit out of me. All I had to do was not speak to anyone for too long, and submit to him.
When he found out that my back was not going to get better, see my other blog, in January, he broke up with me. But... in February a friend became more than just that. For 3 months I was happy. And for the first time in my life I gave what I had never given to a guy before, and now I regret it. Suddenly things went from wonderful to horrible. He has been ignoring me for over 2 weeks now.
I was still reeling from being assaulted by a woman at the hospital at the time he broke up with me. It was only today that I finally told someone about the assault.
He said that we could be friends. I was happy to see him on the day that was near marking 3 months, but I had been slightly off, not being on some of my medication I wasn't really myself. When he said that we needed to talk I consented, and he took me outside. I was freezing for an hour as I listened to the things that I was doing wrong, and what I needed to change. Then suddenly he just said he didn't have any romantic feelings for me anymore.
He seemed to have had them earlier in the day on the phone. I was baffled as to what was going on, but his mind was firmly made up, and he didn't really want to speak to me any longer, despite the fact he had done most of the speaking. It broke my heart. Then when my best friend, who is also my roommate, found out, he began to stop talking to me. I would begin to say something only to be stopped with a, "No!"
I called everyone in my cell phone contact list that I could, that might help me, and no one answered... So as I scrolled back up I saw CRISIS, the crisis team hotline. I called, we spoke, and they came out to see me and decided that I needed to be put on a suicidal hold. I had been raped by a woman, just like I had when I was a child, my boyfriend that I gave my real virginity to broke up with me, and my best friend hated me and I had no idea why. I was going to take an entire bottle of pills that I will not name because I do not want anyone who reads this to know it would be deadly.
Little did I know the Hillmont, which is sort of part of the VCMC, where the nurse assaulted me, was only going to push me further to the brink of suicidal thoughts and depression. Hellmont. I quickly fell into a bad habit of starving myself because the food was so terrible. They would say no sharing or trading of food, but occasionally I would give my food away or trade for milk, or one of the few edible items, like the freakin cornbread... that was good.
What got to me the most was on the car ride to the facility, someone did return my call. The boy who broke my heart. Now he won't speak to me, or even email or Skype me. I always said that I deserved such a fate because this is what I seem to do to nearly every guy I meet.
They fall for me, while I have no feelings for them, and I try to politely be their friend.
It damages everything of the psyche as they fall deeper for me in the end.
So when everything comes to a head,
I always want to end up dead,
But they're the one who cries instead.
I suppose it was time that I go off medication have crazy episodes listed on the side of my other blog, and lose someone that I fell in love with. It's only fair, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment