So Robin Williams committing suicide affected me dramatically. It is strange just how much he seemed to mean to a lot of people now in retrospect. He got hell for being an annoying actor, but now that he is gone, so many are mourning him, many of whom made so many jokes at his expense when he was alive. The people who used to hassle him remind me of the kids I went to school with in 7th grade. They would tease me some and harass me relentlessly. Also yes, I do mean harass, physically, sexually, and verbally- no teacher or administrator did a thing except when some sexual harassment got so severe that my mother found out she got the boy expelled. Most harassment that I suffered my parents seemed to assume was teasing, but having your chest grabbed and having a used condom placed on your lock that locks your locker is not teasing.
So the teens I went to school with would hate on me relentlessly. Then one day I stopped showing up for school, and I did not return for over a month. When I returned the first thing that someone said, not to me, was I wonder where she was. Someone else answered, "She was probably pregnant and had the baby." Most of the class erupted into laughter and the teacher couldn't get them to stop laughing. Before I had entered he had spoken to me and said that if I felt I needed to leave at anytime that I could. So as they ignored the teacher and kept laughing, I stood, walked to the kid's desk, and slammed my hands on it and the class went silent.
"My mother died you fucking asshole," I said in a raised tone dripping in hatred, because he was one of the ring-leaders for teasing and harassing me. He was sort of flabbergasted and finally managed a sorry but I ignored it and the teacher pulled me outside and asked if I wanted to go, and I said, no that I was fine now. After that no one at that school ever teased me. It took something so tragic as my mother dying and me also displaying a warning of possible violence, which I never swore or did things like that back then, to make it all stop. So Robin William's death stirred up memories of that. Great thing though he got in trouble, and I actually didn't get into a lick of trouble at all for swearing at age 12 hehehe.
Also, as I am an actress, writer, and lesser so an artist and I also struggle greatly with bipolar Robin Williams was someone that one of my therapists of doctors at one time had pointed out to me. Now that he is gone, we have all lost work that he was meant to do in his future... and I feel as if perhaps that I am meant to do more in my future. But then I also feel a pang of regret that he was able to so successfully asphyxiate himself and I have OD'd epicly several times and survived... It makes me feel somewhat embarrassed being reminded that I've tried to commit suicide several times and failed.
One thing that I saw that annoyed me was that on the Amazing Atheist was that men and women commit suicide equally, but women try more, so men are a lot more successful because they don't take a bunch of Tylenol then call 911. That really got under my skin a lot. What I heard later was that men blow their brains out. I don't own a gun, and I have never owned one. I have often tried to look for guns that others have owned so I could blow my brains out though. Never could find one though, so I would calculate a minimum dosage of medication that would depress my respiratory system and take way over that and not call 911, and results were sleeping for over 48 hours, sleeping for 24 hours, falling then hitting my head leading to a concussion so severe that I vomited up the likely deadly cocktail, and others calling 911. Not quite taking a bunch of Tylenol when you have taken enough tranquilizers that it should have killed you, but for some reason it didn't. I've taking more dosages of medications than celebrities have taken and then died, and lived! Been hauled off to the ER against my will, monitored, and survived, then forced to be watched for 72 hours. So the idea that all my attempts at killing myself were so horribly botched pissed me off. When I was 17 I went out into the woods and sliced my wrists so they were streaming out blood, reveling in the feeling and I forgot I had my cell so I had to answer it so it didn't appear suspicious that I wasn't answering it, and I wound up changing my mind. I have also self mutilated to the point that I should have gotten stitches but didn't. I mean, I cut about a cm strip out of my leg several inches long, several mm deep...
But yeah, I often like watching The Amazing Atheist's videos, like I like Thunderf00t's work, too. So far I have no surprised appearances in TAA's videos. There was one video that my best friend did not want me to see though, Rape, Feminism, and the Amazing Atheist, because of some of the comments that TJ, his real name, had made in heat of the moment times. He was apologizing and explaining most of them, except for one. One he stood by and even was trying to make it seem like it was so true and that all survivors of sexual trauma should abide by his comment. Especially because he got a reply that someone was helped by it.
The comment was as follows, "Rape isn't fatal. So imagine my indignation when I saw a chatroom called 'Rape Survivors.' Is this supposed to impress me? Someone fucked you when you didn't want to be fucked and you're amazed that you survived? Unless he used a chainsaw instead of his dick, what's the big deal?' "Just because you got raped, you have to rape the English language? You vindictive bitch! Also don't you ever get tired of being the victim? How many failed relationships are you going to blame on a single violation of your personal space?"
"First of all," TJ says, "this was a piece designed to motivate rape victims to not let allow their victimhood to oppress them; to encourage them not to dwell on past events and to move on with their lives." "It's meant to be a humorous piece" And he says I am sorry, that several rape victims this comment has motivated them move on with their lives, and not a SINGLE rape victim has told him that it 'increased their trauma' . Well I guess I am patient 0.
My long term boyfriend that I dated for years, he would always get angry at me for everything. He would be so pissed when I would be afraid of him when he was angry, because I had been conditioned that angry man=he is gonna beat the shit out of you, from my first and only bf before him, and my father. And that I couldn't stop being afraid of him being angry it would anger him more and fear me more.
He would yell and scream at me that I would be dwelling on my past when I would have a trigger PTSD event. I was raped so many times that I cannot remember, and many of them I have blocked it out. The first time I believe it was by my neighbor when I was 12, unless I blocked out something even earlier, but my first boyfriend, I can't recall how many times I was beaten or raped. TJ seems to have a blaze attitude that trauma is something that you can force yourself to get over. I try, I try really hard, but I can't stop the flashbacks from triggered, no matter how hard I try, and I do try very hard. I want to be normal like any other girl, especially because I am physically challenged now.
When it was something that happened over and over and over and over, how can you just get over it and make it not pop up in your head when you go to do it again? I was in a production of Footloose, whenever I hear the songs I feel a trigger to sing and do the dance choreography that I learned. When I start up my computer, my hands often go to where they would for playing World of Warcraft. I get into a car, I buckle my seat belt. There are so many instances in my life that when something happens I am used to something in the past, so I am triggered to do something, remember something.
I did find it really F$#%ing hilarious that he said that just because you were raped you don't have to rape the English language though... I had to pause that because I was laughing so much. Jacksfilms who does Your Grammar Sucks I love because I used to share the same things with my friends all the time, and now he does it en mass.
TJ was probably generalizing, or I hope that he was, about the rape survivors. There is a difference between being raped once by a stranger and being molested since age 5-12, raped at 12, then raped, oh and beaten, for the entirety of a relationship, then raped by your next boyfriend to boot.. Also the boyfriend who raped me, when it first happened, if you haven't read earlier posts, I wanted to go to the police, but I knew that he would kill me. Mandi Blackwell is not the name that I was born with, because he still wants to kill me. I went to my father for help cause I was 17, I knew that the cops would probably want to talk to my parent, (he had kicked me out at this point, and my apartment's door lock was broken you could jiggle it open). He said that he knew I was lying, so I had to just put up with that boyfriend until he was tired of using me... Then because I was a devout Catholic I was convinced that I was going to hell because I had been raped and he hadn't married me. (Deuteronomy) Which lead to suicide attempt 2.
I also hope that the comment about suicide by Tylenol was a jokingly generalization, too. Because when I was 17 and took gm's of a tranquilizer that I won't name due to safety reasons, I should have died. I awoke very refreshed though.
So I have been drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, and still playing WoW, and I found that On Stars Not Falling is now publicly available, and I am toying with the idea in my head of possibly trying to shoot it like a student film. With my depression slinking its hands around my neck while it pulls me under icy cold water that feels so thick, something like that would be so awesome...
Because I never liked those falling stars, I always admired those stars in the sky who could hold on, like you, and you, and you....
I wonder if the script's been changed. God that'd be a pain in the ass to figure out.
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