I don't know how many times that I have been to the hospital since I last posted. A lot of times though. Allen, my best friend has kind of turned evil on me and has become very verbally abusive and he no longer trusts me nor believes what I say. He really is not my best friend anymore, which hurts. That was the closest thing that I had to family.
I keep listening to Metric's song Blindness
You gave me a life I never chose
I wanna leave, but the world won't let me go
Wanna leave, but the world won't let me go
I have probably spend 90% of the time in my room since I last posted. I keep wanting to kill myself... I called the clinic way ahead of time AGAIN and I am out of my bi-polar med for the last few days...
Shortly after my last post, Allen went through all aspects of his life and explained how I am ruining it. Just by me living, breathing, existing, I cause him suffering because he worries about me, even if I am home in my room. Although it isn't unfounded. I found an RX for 90 lisinopril, along with 90 propranolol, and a bunch of pain meds, slice a main artery, paramedics would be like, fsck.
I have finally realized that my ex boyfriend is sort of a despicable person, and I unfortunately had to go through hell to find it out, and so is Allen. Allen said that he would not talk to Mike Watson, whom I have actually communicated with. I find the man disgusting filth, but I am respectful I don't ignore messages on purpose because of the person, unless it is like my first boyfriend who wants to kill me.
But get this, my ex has sorted me into this category of person. Despite Allen's hatred and emotional abuse, mutual friends of Allen and my ex think Allen is being a dick to me, their words, and don't see anything wrong with me.
I know that I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but Allen just punishes me for things that he forgets all the time.
Starting school, I was hoping to escape from Allen some, but he is there before and after class. I found out that a friend is taking a class there on the same day, so I am going to perhaps see if I can get a lift earlier in the day and later home. Then Allen won't have to bitch at me so much.
It is isolating, too... I have to use my wheelchair, the drive is painfully long. I am horrible at dealing with people. Also I sit at the very front, alone. "Hall-sensei" the teach is one greedy complicated little bitch.
She has marked up the price of her workbook in the bookstore super high. Also the chart she wants people to use, she has copyright on, too, and it is over ten dollars! I studied hard for a quiz for the Japanese class Wednesday and turns out it was open chart, but only her chart. WOW, such incentive to purchase her chart. I have a handmade chart that is by far superior by the way it is organized, but I couldn't use it. I know I got 100%, but it pisses me off that other students got 100% and they didn't do anything, they used a codex for all purposes.
I can't really fall back into World of Warcraft as a good release. The guild that I was the fourth member of, I quit before I was kicked, yes before I would have been kicked. I was discussing things that Allen had told me about raider members, how if they had bad DPS they would be kicked without explaination, notice, and no demotion or anything! And then he recanted everything that he had said to me, despite the screenshots I have of what he said to me...
It is like every single time Allen forgets something I get into trouble, lol. Just waiting for him to start hitting me now. My appointment with my back surgeon Friday, he was so angry when I reminded him for the uptinth time 2 weeks ago, saying that Friday was the ONLY day he could not do anything. Yet when we were scheduling, he said Friday was the ONLY day he could for sure take me! Again he forgot, and I got the wrath.
My heart was hurting on thursday night, Allen angrily told me right before his raid to get out of his room. Yeah just like that, lol. I was like O_o wtf, but I was scared so I left as quickly as I could manage. The stabbing pain was so bad, I called 911, and Allen was angry that I didn't tell him I had called 911 or was seeing paramedics cause I was fearing a heart attack. He specifically told me NOT to bother him during raid. Lose lose. It is always lose lose with him.
His mom visited me in the hospital. They admitted me for my back pain, against my will. Heart seems okay, but with all the medications that I take, it is not impossible for something to go wrong. But his MOM, not him.... some best friend lol. I am only his best friend cause of the 2 friends he has I know him better, lol.
One night I willingly went to the County Hospital, where I don't get sued. They skipped over my name on the list, so I waited hours extra, and I was carving into my arm in the waiting room and security told me I couldn't do that. No psychiatric intervention, great, huh? Never came up the entire time I was there.
I sit in my room and plan out different ways to kill myself, I can't bear to open any of my mail, it just piles up, thousands of dollars of bills that I have no way to pay. SSI denying me still. Living in constant pain. I think if I didn't do it easily at home, maybe I would go to the Creationist Museum, try to graffiti rape victims are doomed to hell, and blow my brains out with copies of notes about my abuses and which parts of the Bible damned me to hell. I was watching "What's the matter with Kansas?" when I thought that one up.
My ex would be so happy.
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