Rookee's Bar: Nightlife Disabled ~~dual post from my other blog~~~

So it was some time ago now, but a friend of mine had turned 21 in July, and I had my first chance since the last time a friend had turned 21 to go to a bar/club... So I went.

The place we wound up going to was a place called Rookee's in Ventura, CA. Here is their yelp. As soon as we went to enter I already felt out of my element. There was not a venue fee like the last place I had been, which was a great plus, and the dress code was much more lax, but one of our party who was wearing a plain tee-shirt was turned away, and he had to go back to his car to change shirts.

My purse was taken and inspected, which I understood, and expected, but they took my UN-opened bottle of water, stating that water was free (the other place I had been water had not been free) and I would have to get it inside if I needed it, and made me leave it outside. 

[Now THIS is a HUGE thing I now take issue with because when I was in there last night, there were young ghetto young men wearing large plain baggy white tee's and they had bottles of Gatorade and water that they brought with them straight from the outside. They were breaking both the dress code and the liquid policy that had been enforced on my party previously!] 

But that is just the top crumb of ice of the iceberg of this place. OH I will keep linking reviews everytime you see a link to the name.

When I had gone to Rookee's before in July, I had a great time, for most of it. I had a bunch of narcotic medications, and I asked if it was a problem, perfectly ready to have it run back to the car, and I was told it was no problem, so long as I had my ID. The water was the ONLY issue. Then I was given clearance inside, and waited on a chair for our friend to return with proper attire to join us all.

The front security Rookee's staff actually seemed really nice! (I find that review-if true very hilarious by the way.) When some guy kept talking to me they made sure he wasn't bothering me, and when my friends finally came in they made sure that they were not harassing me, and they were friends, lol. Great, great, outdoor staff. If the rest of the staff were this well organized and kind, this place would be great.

In comparison, when I went last night, on Friday, it seems they upped security some with a light scanning for fake IDs. The man who was checking mine was also scratching it all over and bending it all around nearly trying to break it, as if he were sure I was under-aged... which I guess I shall take that as a compliment? Once I finally retrieved my ID, I offered my bag to be checked, but I was waved through and shrugged it off. I did take some prescription medication within 20 minutes of my arrival both times I came there.In July, and last night in September.

So the taking of my waterbottle pissed me off because I like having my own personal water when being in places like bars, but I got over it quick, although with what happened I wish I hadn't. And the whole ID scrutiny thing from last night was just amusing.

Last night I checked around, didn't see much going on, so I plopped down on a seat and began to talk with my friend. He ordered me a screwdriver. LAST time I am going to order a screwdriver at Rookee's without talking to the bartender myself. That review might be old, but... oh here! Another review that is newer saying the same thing. Like watered down, bottom shelf, charged like top shelf, complete crap... ugh, it was rather disgusting, and I usually like screwdrivers a lot, that is the only reason I usually drink them! Or else because someone else paid for them, and I feel obligated to. Thank god for the thin slice of orange that was on the glass, it was like sip, orange suck, sip, orange suck.

But we were talking for quite a while, hours.

Now there is something that has been plaguing me for some time, many many months... Actually years now. Most likely due to my thyroid. I randomly can randomly start to nod off like completely in the middle of being completely aware and awake, because the doctors are still working on getting my thyroid levels normalized.

I've fallen asleep in the middle of eating, like literally food in mouth, french fries for example. I was falling asleep trying to eat pumpkin pie and kept vehemently arguing with my friend for him to not take it away because I was eating the damned thing, unaware that I kept falling asleep. Playing the computer. Suddenly I am dead in World of Warcraft. Suddenly the movie I was watching on Netflix is over and I am very confused.

Well since I was put on my thyroid medication about three weeks ago now, I have lost weight and these incidents have decreased dramatically, but they still occur some.

I guess at some point that happened to me while I was talking to Nathan. All I really need to do it be told, pop a caffeine pill, shake myself and then I am good. He didn't tell me that I was losing time, instead a bouncer came over and demanded to me that I needed to leave and I needed to leave NOW.

Well I live in a civilized society. This Rookee's like's to purport itself as a higher end place, espcially with how much it charges for it's #$^ing drinks... So when I asked why I was being told I needed to leave, of course the answer I received was "You have to leave now!"

Um... yes, you just said that dude... could I get a reason. 

Now, this had actually happened to me the first time I went to Rookee's back in July. I was thrown out after on the dance floor I was having a great time until this guy came up and started to dance with me. First it seemed fun, funny, but then he was like all over me, and I kept trying to move away, but I was backed into a wall! I was beginning to panic and then, I saw security! My heart fluttered, I was thinking, oh my god I am saved!!!

"You both need to go, NOW!"

I was shocked, scared, and surprised as to why I needed to go. I had been trying to get away from this guy who had been... dancing me up? I guess that would be the best way to phrase it, but there were two bouncers there. One had grabbed him, and the other more gently grabbed my arm, my good arm, and my cane clattered to the floor and I nearly fell down from the sudden change of momentum and lack of support.

I am hoping that he hadn't realized that I actually had had a cane, and he let go and picked it up and handed it to me and he gave me a minute to set my put on my shoulder straight, and offered his arm for me to take with my free hand, so I could use my cane, and once we got out off the dance floor I paused and held him back and pleaded if I could hang back away from the man who had been danced practically on me! I had been trying to get away from him. Also why was I being asked to leave? I wasn't trying to break any rules... I was just having fun dancing and didn't know what to do when that guy got... so aggressive.

He told me it wasn't how that guy was dancing on me, it was because I was obviously drunk.

I had had no alcohol the entire time that I had been there.

I agreed to leave once I saw the man leave, and he told me that he would bring me the manager to speak to because I hadn't had any alcohol to bring, the bouncer understanding my anxiety about the situation, and I walked steadily, with my cane, out the door to the outside where to my chagrine the man was outside the line of the outside portion of the bar. The outside bouncers said I could stay outside behind them until he departed, and they were very nice. They also told me that no manager was going to come. Now that I was outside the doors, that was it.

I was infuriated. Once my friends had come out, I was encouraging them to stay, but they didn't want to on behalf. I kept trying to get attention of the staff inside but was continually ignored, no manager would speak to me because I was a girl drunk off of the cup of water I had drunk... that someone drugged.

Somewhere between my friend's friend's friend fetching it, something got into it, and it reacted badly with something else I took. I was a tad unsteady on the dancefloor, I had been dancing without my cane for a while, when the bouncer took me, I had been using my cane again, I had needed my cane to steady myself. But after yelling that I wanted a manager for around 45 minutes of getting kicked out, waiting outside, pacing outside, and such, whatever was in the water ....or did ...a staff gave me some water too....

When I was pulled off the floor a staff gave me water...
Well regardless, within 45 minutes I went from I just needed my cane to steady myself to suddenly I felt very impaired. I'd never in my life been like that. Not even when I'd had percocet, been given too high a dose of Dilaudid at the hospital, this was something even worse than that.... it was even worse than when I had OD'd on medication and alcohol somehow...how was that possible? It must have been something new. It took two people to literally walk me into my room that night... All cause they wouldn't let me have my water bottle, but of course ghetto guys can bring theirs in. I should have gone to the hospital, gotten blood drawn and held the club liable.

Well last night I go in I actually did have an alcoholic beverage, sometime around 10:30, maybe 11. We sat down and we had a lot to catch up on. We haven't seen one another in quite some time. Thankfully when he got us water it tasted a lot better than the water I remember having before, and I guess I started to drop off at around 12:30 or 45, but because I am completely unaware that it is happening unless I see a clock or some other way to really gauge time, I had no idea it was happening... until- "YOU- YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!"

So we are back at this part of my story about last night. It had been hours since I'd consumed any alcohol but whilst talking to Nathan occasionally I would close my eyes for a few moments, but still work my mouth speaking to him. My contacts getting dry. I could barely see the man now adressing me, so I went into my purse to get my contact solution, knocking out several prescriptions in the process to try to rewet my eyes as I adressed him as politely as I could in the loud environment. Nathan, my friend, was sitting to my right, blocking my immediate way to stand and leave, and the bouncer was addressing me from right behind me. "Excuse me, I'm sorry, I don't know what rule I broke, why do I have to leave? Are you closing?"

Nathan was already trying to dissaude me from asking the man the why, and getting me to go, but I knew from experience once I left, that there would be no discussion. So as I rewet my eyes and I could see much clearer, the man simply puffed his chest bigger as if to appear more threatening and said, "NO. YOU JUST HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!"

Then he spotted the prescription medications that were in my purse and yelled at me in an even louder and almost accusatory voice, "WHAT ARE THOSE?! HOW DID YOU GET THOSE IN HERE?!!"

"Those are my prescription medications for medical conditions I have. I offered my purse to be ch--" I was going to say I offered my purse to be checked at the door, but I was waved through, so I figured that I was fine. I had been here just a couple months ago with less prescriptions in my purse, and it had been no problem, the only problem that I had been told of was bringing in bottled water.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE THOSE IN HERE!!!" he screamed at me, moving closer to my face. I am sure that if I was a man, he would have grabbed my color... maybe if I had been wearing a color he would have. Thankfully I had a low cut tank top that offered little to be grabbed and brought to his face so I was able to back away from the angry scary man.

"I've been here before and it wasn't a problem!" I retorted, trying to regain some control, because he is just some bouncer. "I need to speak to your manager."

"NO! You need to get out of here now!!!" He yelled at me, moving up the steps that were towards Nathan and Nathan moved out of his way leaving me with my cane and my purse and items on the table..

"I am willing to leave, but I still need to speak to a manager." I again requested as I meticulously, but quickly and deftly, put everything away. Completely ready to walk away from the booth I did not get out.

"YOU need to GO now!" the man yelled at me in frustration as if I could not get it wrapped around my head that I needed to be gone with. At this point I wanted to see a managerial staff or be forced out at this point, or hear a better reason as to why I was being asked to leave....like... any reason?

"I still haven't been told the reason you are removing me." I stated calmly. This man, he appeared like every step I was withholding from him simply to piss him off, but I was merely trying to be treated like a decent human being and not some animal.

Another staff member comes up and notifies me that despite my articulate questioning of why I am being asked to leave, "You are clearly intoxicated, that's why you have to go!"

"I'm intoxicated?" I asked this new person, incredulously not believing their gall. "I had a single drink hours ago."

"We saw all the prescriptions that were in your purse and you are obviously intoxicated." The man smartly replied. I nodded to him, agreeing that in his eyes, well yes, this very well could seem like I was under the influence or high, intoxicated being the completely wrong term and the business having no legal right to throw me out on those grounds of be being affected of side affects of my own prescription medication, but alright, I won't argue pharmacology, and my specific issues. "I saw you doze off a couple times, you are under something."

So I sighed, stood up steadily with no waver, but did use my cane as my back was hurting, rubbed it a moment, apologizing asking if I could have a second before I headed towards the door. "I actually have a hormone issue that causes me to randomly fall asleep at times, but I'm working on treating that, but I will assume that such medical conditions and pharmacology are above your expertise, sir," I said, not sure if it was loud enough for him to hear. Turns out he was the manager.

He told me that if I were to come again that prescriptions would be checked in the front like with the coats, which actually would be something that'd put my mind at ease-- I wouldn't feel like I have to guard them. Grab a couple for a night, and that's it. But still, my medical issues, that I would be thrown out again if I came alone... drugged? What if I hadn't had friends...?

Within the hour I was out of it after being drugged by that simple water back in April, thank you bouncers for catching the drugged girl and saying she was drunk and throwing her ass out in the street.

Oh and the symptoms I was displaying when I was "clearly intoxicated" with my friend Nathan, sometimes when I have short missing periods of times like that is when I might have a seizure. Is this establishment going to be a place that you are only going to be allowed to go if you are perfectly healthy, able-bodied, and not currently on any medication, and if you get drugged- heh- good luck- they will put you on the street so the person who drugged you can try to get you in their car.

I mean, I like the music, I like the scene... but how do you change 80% of the staff, and the low quality liquor. It seems like they are bottom welling a lot.


I hope I will be able to update this someday and say that my mind has been changed.

If anyone knows of fun places in Ventura that you can dance, enjoy nice music house, trance, even metal, I am always open to hear about it.

Facebook and Me -My Back, Thyroid, and Seizures

So I saw a Life Recovery Coach today. I had an appointment to help me develop tools for betterment of my life... I think.
Really it was a meeting where we sat and spoke for over an hour and the lady had no real idea of what to do nor of how to really help me. She did have a couple good suggestions. Blog more. Use Facebook. Use more social media because my back is so limiting physically.

Today was one of the most enlightening and hardest days of my life. I feel conflict and strife struggle withing my heart as I sit here and write this. I plan to post this on Facebook, as many people won't know me, I may as well explain, housing for me is tenuous. Very tenuous.

Previous posts though, and the other blog does explain things.

No one though knows where I live now.



WHERE I AM LIVING:

I live in Oxnard right now.

It is L.A.ish

I thought that when I came to this home that I now stay in that I found a nice loving family that was a mother and a father with three daughters. One my age, one younger, and one just a child. I soon found out that the eldest had a different mother, the middle a different father, and the youngest was the only one who was the child of both parents. This was only well after I had moved and settled in.

By this point in time I had already decided that I wanted to stay in this place. I liked this family that had opened themselves up to me. They had gambled deciding to take me in, especially because I have a guarantor instead of myself currently covering my rent....

It was the fastest place that I could find because I was homeless at the time. It was a huge rip off being $500 for a tiny 10x10 room that didn't even have a closet.... But I am too nice and so is Gigi, and neither of us have tried to argue.

What got me was that when I came here... I was told, "welcome home," as I came in... It made me cry.

But now I am beginning to wonder if perhaps that this father cares more about the money than he does the family that I fell to care for, that I found so charmingly kind that I wanted so badly to be a part...

I am afraid that I am living with a man who is much alike my father... He is money-hungry, already over-charging me for a room, tricking me into thinking that he cares mildly about me, he has already successfully fooled me that he cared for two of his daughters... slowly I am seeing that he cares poorly about his elder daughters.

It is so chillingly like my own father that I am desperately trying to ignore that my room is tiny and overpriced, and that the family is dissolving. That I hear arguments breakout and yelling go on. I cover my ears and hear my mom and sister screaming at each other before my sister begins to throw objects down the hallway towards the living room and I snap out of it and realize that my sister not here with me in California... I am reliving bad memories... living in this place that I thought was a loving home.

"And they say I, exhale the lie, again"

from White Lies, a song I am listening to right now.... yes.... so many white lies being exposed as the cracks in the facade fall apart and break open and I get a real glimpse into what this family really is. I try to cling desperately onto the hope that maybe there is more, maybe there is a chance that they can be strong, but I can already see them falling apart.... or mostly the father is leading them to breaking them apart. I really look up to him and like him so much, so the conflicted feelings I have are difficult to deal with.

As a parent there should be some expectation that you should help your child if they need help and you can offer it. Don't have children if you can't support them, is my thinking. Well, try not to, because unfortunately shit does happen. But, the father I live with, it seems like he is suddenly asking things of his children due to his his own financial situation than any other logical changes or occurrences. He is demanding changes without any sort of compromise, and punishing without any sort of understanding... It's sort of like my father... well except for the financial part, my father is was like whim of his new wife.

I want a home so badly... I have a phobia of losing it once I have one, too. It took me months to finally refer to this tiny bedroom as home. I kept referring to it as 'the house', or 'the room', for a long time.

My mother died when I was only twelve. I remember standing there beside her hospital bed, watching her go, praying to God that her heartbeat would start picking up again- instead of slowing down ever so steadily as it was. Finally she flatlined and that was it. I could never have guessed that within 72 hours my father was going to be on his computer looking for dates with other women.

All of that began a long journey in my life that began a road of further hardships, and many insecure living situations or periods. So I have a phobia of being homeless again. Especially because as I sometimes can barely walk the five feet to go to the bathroom; the government says that I am fit to work- and I am unsure how to appeal. The only help I have been really offered is an angry woman who is extremely unreliable and vents her anger at her own unreliability out on me, and is now refusing to see or help me. I keep asking for help, and they only tell me that I have to speak to the woman who won't speak to me. Thanks clinic handling my health!

Should I move? Find a place where there is a family that is not at odds with one another and I have a room that is actually worth $500 and maybe has a closet?

Even the idea gives me guilt... but it is tempting me as the drama keeps stirring up. I was floored when I heard that he wanted to ask $600 for another room that was barely bigger than my own, simply because 'it has a closet'. I bit my tongue at explaining that most people would not even charge $500 for my room... Because I know that my rather constant presence in the house is something that is of annoyance. Should that be another reason to leave? Find a place that realized that I am waiting for help for my back...





MY BACK:

For those who know my back problems, well, they have gotten abundantly worse. For those who don't know them, I have 5 herniated discs. They pinch several nerves, there is pressure on my spinal cord and I deal with serious issues from my hips and below ranging from loss of sensation to loss of any control or feeling. Sometimes I will collapse while trying to walk from pain, sometimes my legs will give out because the muscles become too weak to use-or the signals to them are too weak, or in a rare case I might walk myself into complete non-function of my lower half. When the last option occurs there may not even be reflex in my tendons which is a very serious issue, it means that there is NO neuro-connection to them... it is like the bottom part of me is unplugged.

So most days I lay in my room. I used to be able to go out more, see friends, movies, but no any longer. I don't really know anyone in Oxnard, but shortly before moving here my back became dramatically worse... I can barely go out to see the doctor, I have to take my heaviest pain medications while I am home trying to relax, when previously I would only touch them if I had been out of the house for hours or maybe done something stupid or accidental and hurt myself. I barely function now, and the father I live with seems distraught that I don't leave the house.

With whom? Where? I can't drive because I have been having seizures spring up like crazy! I would love to go out, but my only Oxnard friend is always 'too busy'. I tried to make friends on Craigslist, but my email got so bombarded I was trying to handle it but I was hospitalized for many days in two stretches, that all the replies got so out of hand that my severe anxiety won't let me deal with it. The father who lives here was very clear that he does not want people coming to this house or near it... so these people- I cannot have them come here, nor pick me up? If I do I risk my living situation.

He has trapped me and is angry at me that I am not going out. I can see why his daughters want to leave.

TREATMENT

Before people might bombard me with a slurry of messages about "have you tried..." a, b, and c, I can probably assure you that it is likely that I have. I was hurt back on December 18th of 2010. Yeah, long time ago. They tried epidural injections more than once. Oral steroids. Muscular injections. Physical therapy including some chiropractic practices SEVEN times! WOO! Last session stopped because I went to the hospital when my legs stopped working, and they refused to let me continue... hehe. They have also used ultrasound therapy, and electrodes, which I own my own machine. If there is anyone who is willing to help I do need new wiring for one of the sides to work right-- it does help quite a bit with the pain but the wiring is like $25 and I have NO money. Anyone willing to help hit me up and I can accept by bank or PayPal, I will post on my Facebook and Twitter wall thanks. 

I already had back surgery May of 2013. Physio after of course, too. I felt wonderful after the surgery, I was about where I was now before the surgery, unable to walk at all though... Then I could! I didn't heal correctly though. I was in the hospital and some nurses had me walking without a cane or a walker and something in my back went wrong, I think it might have been when my herniated discs went from 3 to 5. They were the same nurses who overlooked my serious gallbladder infection only giving me something to try to calm my stomach. Turned out I needed surgery to get my gallbladder out ASAP. Yes, I have tried to find a lawyer, can't find one. Nurses can ruin patients lives as much as they want and it doesn't matter.





MY WEIGHT-THYROID-energy, healing, mood, skin, nails, entire living!

I have been overweight for a great deal of my life... Some doctors have even marked 'obese'. So many people who are overweight often claim to have thyroid problems, falsely. I have a history of hypothyroidism, or low thyroid, which can cause a myriad of other issues aside from weight. It affects you mood negatively, you cannot heal as well, you skin and hair is dry, you have less energy, and many other things. So when I asked a doctor at the hospital, during my last stay, if they could check my level- it'd been a while- they of course looked at me like, Ah yes a fat lazy person wants an excuse as to why they are fat.

"Why do you think that your thyroid might be low?" the doctor asked me, not masking the severe doubt that was on his face.

"I have a past history of hypothyroidism, and it has been a long time since my levels have been checked, first of all... Uh, I've been very fatigued, my skin and hair has been dry, my nails brittle, wounds don't heal well, and-" he cut me off agreeing that it seemed I was meeting enough criteria to warrant the simple blood test, and I thanked him.

When the test results came back the doctor returned looking alarmed and I asked if everything was okay.

"Why did you go off your thyroid medication?!" he barked the question. Well I assumed right then that, oh, seems my thyroid must be off again.

"Uh, well when I last took it, a fill on doctor not my PCP got lab results, saw they were normal, and didn't give me a refill, not realizing that I was on medication, meaning that the lab results indicated the dosage was at the right level," I hastily explained. He wanted to start me on it like right that day, but I had an appointment with my doctor's office two days later so he agreed that I could get the script from them, somewhat reluctantly. He made VERY sure to give me a copy, and to send them a copy and recommendation, haha.

Doctors, first they assume I am just some lazy fat liar, and then they are mad at me that other doctors mishandled my care and previous tests. I mean, I had no control over that! So it has been about three weeks and I have lost twenty pounds; just weighed myself. I was actually going through my clothing and going to get rid of all of the small clothing that I had, and donate it to Salvation Army. Now I am donating everything that is becoming way too large for me, well and I can part with. I am tailoring some things down.

I am already wearing things that I have not touched for years.

I feel more energetic. I had been randomly dozing off at all hours of the day before I was put on the thyroid supplement, and that has gone away.

On days that I feel better I have even been able to resume some physio exercises, carefully.





SEIZURES

So seeing the "life coach" was interesting. She had no idea what the **** ******** **** ** *** ***** *** *** she was doing. But she was nice. I also had a seizure during the meeting and my friend was able to record the event on his phone, and I noticed something else before it occurred. Usually my seizures have happened in places that maybe were not too well lit, or at home, for example. But she had this bag that had a pale yellow background with autumn leaves at the bottom, and suddenly it it began to glow brighter and brighter. The yellow was becoming neon, the light browns becoming oranges and reds, hurting my eyes, I covered my face as I began to feel the familiar sensation of falling backwards that I often feel before my seizures occur.

Around 4.5 minutes later I was sweaty and every muscle felt as if I had used it to the point of sheer exhaustion. When I saw the neurologist, and she asked me if after the seizures, did my muscles feel very tired as if exhausted, I yelped, "Oh my god! Yes! exactly!" surprised that I did not have to go into great depth explaining. To everyone else it is hard to explain, but apparently it is a common seizure thing, so Dr. Abbi already knew it, which delighted me so much that I didn't have to try to explain this so complicated thing to her.

So while I am waiting to go to USC to see a back specialist... Dr. Abbi upped my seizure medication and I have a follow up with her and if things do not improve enough I am going to be sent to Cedar Sinai for my seizures to be studied.

When I was in the hospital the last time I had made mention of my seizures, so they decided to do an MRI of my head. When they told me that I had cysts in my brain the doctor seemed surprised at my lack of reaction at the news, I was already aware. I had an MRI ten years ago that revealed the same thing. But, they might be causing the seizures, that was new. Dr. Abbi agreed, so that I have had a few bad seizures on the higher dose of my medication is making me nervous. If I go to Cedar Sinai, they are going to try to induce seizures, which probably means nasty ones. Because of my back the seizing of my muscles is already extremely painful... Maybe I can ask for some Dilaudid? hehehe. (It is a strong pain medication that can be 7.5X the strength of morphine sulphate--which I am allergic to morphine. I often have to have Dilaudid to ease my pain.)







When I met Chris Metzen I was very amazed because he was, well AWESOME! He is a co-creator of sorts for World of Warcraft. It was only after I met him that I found out that he voice acts! Not only that, but for Thrall, one of my favorite and dynamic characters. He also is an artist and a writer. Suddenly I felt a strong kinship. This man is successfully doing all these things that I love, acting, creating, writing, drawing.... all of it....

Maybe it isn't too late for me? When I was talking about all of this my friend asked me if he was married, lol. Aside from being a bit old, I was like yeah he is, after looking it up on wikipedia. Not that he didn't seem extremely nice in person. I had accidentally dropped art supplies on the floor and he picked them up for me, the poor girl in the wheelchair. At least now I know he probably knew what Pentel, Copic, and Sakura were.

It is like there is someone else who succeeded in a path that I really want... if only now that I can get better enough to produce my artwork... or stop procrastinating as much, heh. Zima, the life coach, said to use social media more, so I will try.

CVS: Their Pharmacy Dangers

So I worked as a lead pharmacy technician at CVS Pharmacy for several years until my manager finally got so frustrated at my hurt back that she screamed at me not to return until my back got better. Which I did actually return to work in the front store, much to her annoyance, to help out while a co-worker was on maternity leave, but even that proved too much for me to handle. My back was too hurt, and has been, and still is. As I am facing my second surgery I have decided that I really need to stand up for myself more than I already have, which has been very little, but more than it has been in the past.

Years now I have been going to CVS store # 9859. I will willingly specify it! I know the Pharmacy manager there, Ron. He offered me a position several years back, shortly before my car accident, the one that changed my life, and I turned him down. Why? Because my manager at my home store promised me 40 hours and a raise... The raise was small, and the 40 hours soon dropped to 35 and then less than that... My loyalty was very misplaced. But that I misplaced my loyalty and had that car accident, I was forced to reconcile my entire outlook on life and the way that I viewed things and how I am forced to behave and stand up for myself and speak up.

I do sort of regret not taking the job though, especially when I have days like today, 8/27/14 though, when I see how crappy the service has become at his store. His store used to be a model store, and now it is a piece of shit, breaking so many rules, regulations, recommendations, and committing so many violations it is quite alarming. I have been warning the pharmacy employees for months now that I was going to contact the higher ups if they continued breaking policies and protocols, and after today, I realized that I really needed to. They endangered my life for the last time. And yes, I said endangered my life.

Medications are prescribed for various reasons, and sometimes they are prescribed for reasons that are to help life-threatening conditions such as high blood pressure, seizures, pain that might be so severe it could cause a heart attack, and so many other things. As a pharmacy technician I know that when I go to the doctor I need to keep track of how many prescriptions I am getting from the doctor, and then how many are the pharmacy giving me. What did the doctor prescribe, what is the pharmacy giving me? Also if the doctor writes out the prescription I always make sure to check that they don't forget anything like directions, dose, amount, date, my name, you know, things like that. You might be surprised.

So today I was given a prescription for a higher dose an anti-seizure medication which goes by the brand name of Topamax, also know as, topirimate. I already had been on it, at a much lower dosage, any idiot obviously could see it was a new prescription at a higher dose. Per CVS policy this is what should have been done, and as a good employee this is what I would have done if I had received the prescription.

The RX came in, but my the time it came in, it has exceeded the "monthly fill limit" for Gold Coast, which is the Medicaid program for California. Now I would have "cashed it out" which would have caused an "action note" to be printed. Here is what this means. A monthly fill limit is a limit put on the number of medications Medicaid patients in California may have filled per month. Cashing out a prescription is choosing to not run it through insurance any more, and run it through as "cash" which makes the paper that comes with your RX come out with a form that needs to be filled out, which is called an "action note", instead of advertising about flu shots, or ready fill, or minute clinics.

An action note is one of the most controversial thing that you will find in CVS pharmacies. Countless lazy employees will cash out prescriptions, meaning that they see the insurance rejection, and the form is printed out, and instead of simply writing on there why it didn't go thru insurance, they leave it blank, let alone bother to try to complete the rest of it! Also when someone cashes something out without doing the action note- something will appear like it is ready and it is all OKAY to the person checking it for the patient, up until the patient comes to pick it up... then it is discovered that there is a problem.

SO- one writes down why it didn't go through insurance, and then, what I would do as a competent employee, would go to the next line on the form of the 'action note.' You try to contact the patient, and if you can't, you leave a message, or write why you couldn't reach the patient, but you make an attempt. This store has constantly received prescriptions from my doctors and just stuck them on hold because there were insurance problems, and instead of 1. trying to fix the problems, 2 calling the doctor/insurance as is THEIR JOB to fix the problem if that is how it needs to be resolved or FINALLY 3 needing to contact me because it is not going to be filled, or cannot go through the insurance---they have contacted me a grand total of TWO times. I recall both times. One time was Alex, who is a very nice young man, whom I met on his first day there, I actually aided him a bit on finding his way thru the system. (God- it is still muscle memory for me.) The other time was a girl, who I don't think works there any longer.

Before I go further let me explain pharmacy techs jobs a little more. When things reject in insurance it is the job of the pharmacy worker to try to solve the issue-- today when I asked about solving my problem about the monthly limit- I asked if Medicaid still did TARs (Treatment Authorization Referrals) that the pharmacy has to do, or is a P.A. (Physician Authorization), required for the monthly fill limit to be fixed-- I was told to call to fix it.... when it is entirely the pharmacy technicians job. I do not have an NPI. I do not have a DEA number either. How am I supposed to deal with Medicaid? Especially when it is no longer my job? Countless other times I have also come to pick up items that were supposed to be ready only to find that they were, yes, on hold, not yet filled, because they were not filled and the action note (you know with the contact the patient part done) and I couldn't ask the idiot technician handling the prescription what insurance were they trying because I have a couple in my file due to some reasons and sometimes the computer messes up and will assign like the Topamax card to try to pay for something else that is not Topamax, and the moron handling the prescription just sees that itis rejected by insurance, puts it on hold, and makes no attempt to contact the patient... who is me.

So because today when I called to fill my anti-depressant, which given that I've been dealing with serious PTSD lately, and I have bad depression, it is an important medicine, and check to see if my seizure RX was received and filled, imagine my disdain when I found out that the seizure medicine was on hold... and no one had even contacted me to tell me hey- it didn't go through insurance. The person on the phone actually had the audacity to tell me that I could not fill my anti-depressant until the first of the month because I had exceeded my fill limit! I was astounded, offended, shocked, and disgusted. This person actually I think broke law if I recall correctly because they advised me to go off a prescription medication for 2 days... That is medical advice-- Only pharmacists can give that.

I asked if I had anything that was already prepared and not yet picked up, and I was told that yes, there were 2 RXs ready but not yet picked up, so I requested that they be returned and the person on the phone was upset at me! I am now a patient, and I was making a request that two medications that were "as needed" in the directions be put back so I could fill two medications that were one important to my mental health and one direly important to my physical health, and I was getting flack? How dare they?! For starters they had no right, because the seizure medication should have already been filled, and I should had been called when it didn't go through the insurance, but because this store is full of lazy employees, they rather just see the insurance reject it, and they put the RX "on hold" or not filled, and just lying in wait in the system, and so there is no way that the patient will EVER know about it.

How many prescriptions are CVS pharmacy employees putting on hold, like so many of mine, because they are too lazy to fill out the action notes of why it didn't go through insurance, contacting the patient and telling them that it didn't go through insurance-or even before that- trying to SOLVE the insurance problem. I mean how many RXs are going on hold because technicians get a refill of an important heart medication or cancer medication approved but somehow a discount card for a skin cream gets put as the primary insurance and so it rejects in the insurance, and they put it on hold, the patient calls to see if their medicine is ready, and no, it will never be ready. There is a reason that CVS has policies to contact patients when refills are denied, when insurances reject, and automated calls go out to patients when things are ready, safety, safety and convenience. 

Ramblings of abuse from childhood

So it's been over a year since I've had a boyfriend... It's been like over two years since my long term boyfriend of years broke up with me over my back. Yet in my head as I am facing the possibility of dating someone new, what tugs at my mind? The incident in which my confidant that I confided all of my secrets about my childhood abuse and molestations, that very first person that I really opened up to and who let me begin to heal, and then when on a normal day I was told to open Firefox to pull up an internet video, but the previous session was restored, and it was child pornography.

Every wound that had begun to close of course was immediately ripped wide open again and maybe even deepened, or at least they began to bleed again. I have no idea why but I keep having nightmarish relivings of memories from my past every night. When I wake I don't even know where I am at first, often I think I am back home near Chicago, and my mother is still alive. That video The Amazing Atheist made didn't start the nightmares, but it certainly has made me waking in the night gasping for air more frequent because someone saying, hey why don't you just stop living in the past? That really doesn't help you get over trauma. Imagine I come and murder your whole family and then ten years later I tell you to just get over it and stop living in the past on the anniversary of their death. Yeah, not so nice is it?

Just again and again and again in my head I keep trying to change what happens in my head. I wish I could stop my sister from taking a part in it especially. She tried to call me about a month ago now, and I never returned the call, and she honestly has no clue why. The whole sexual abuse issue actually came up, and the part about me being sexually abused was mentioned that it caused her trauma and she was the real victim in what went on during those events that she gave her older friend permission to do what ever he wanted to me... Not sure how she was abused there, but my ex-best friend and sister were both adamant that I had nothing to be upset about. Being touched, being forced to touch, being forced to do a LOT more than touching, none of that was I to be upset about, despite my sister taking witness and actually granting her permission several, if not every, time(s).

I don't even know why I keep thinking about this particular abuser... I had several... I had a female friend of my sister's who was older, there was the neighbor medical student, but then there he was, there was Will Doughty... I am writing this now just to get it out of my head I hope. Him taking me to the basement to play, for as far as my mom knew. How he would make me take my clothing off, and I would cry. How I would be chastised if I cried too loudly.

I learned how to cry quietly from my experiences with Will. Well, Will and my sister. It is actually kind of sad, Will would be at a loss when I would start to cry so my sister would be the one to start threatening things to me to get me to be quiet with my tears and sobs, so that her friend could continue his fun. To this day I honestly wonder if she got some sort of sick pleasure out of it all. During our entire childhood and even early adulthood she made it very clear that she despised me, didn't think I was much of a human being at all- without any sort of reasoning, and saw me as the "golden child" she would say, that our parents always would favor me no matter what- because I was perfect and just better for no reason!

My sister seemed to ignore the fact that at our respective ages when she was sleeping around with guys I hadn't even kissed. She was drinking and hanging around with drug users, I was getting honor roll in college classes, had a part time job, was in gifted theatre, and was involved in a lot of church activities. While she flunked a grade, I was like the model child... except that I got a B in one of my classes... ONLY 2 people got A's.... come on...

So maybe my sister got pleasure from watching me suffer at the hands of her friend. All she saw was that I got gratitude from our parents for doing good things, getting good grades, and I didn't get into trouble because I saw her doing bad things and I saw her getting punished and saw that I sure as hell didn't want to do that! Or even a perverse sexual pleasure, but I doubt that, I bet it was either she enjoyed watching me be punished, or that she was jealous that the guy that she liked so much, Will, wanted to do sexual things to her perfect little sister... Which would be a recurring trend in her life with men. They often would want to prey on me instead of, or also her. Which would just piss her off...

How did all of this happen and my sister is oblivious as to why I am reluctant to speak to her... is it her in my head and that is why I keep thinking about what Will did to me? I wish I could banish the memories.... it is odd, it is like specific sets of memories, only ones of events in the basement. I mean things occurred in the forest, in my bedroom, and in my sister's bedroom, too. But it is the basement that I keep remembering, like the first time that he playfully wanted me to do something, with my sister gingerly allowing it..... no it wasn't the first time, it was the first time it was------well that I was forced to use my mouth.

I think she hit me like really hard for crying... something hit my head because I made a noise too loud. My sister was freaking out she was so nervous, so we went into the bathroom that was downstairs-then my memory is blanked out. Once upon a time I didn't remember any of it. But then I got my friend boyfriend and he decided that we should have sex, and try as I might, we had sex, despite my fighting efforts to stop it. That hurt. What was worse was walking home, too, in the freezing weather with just my hoodie, and the sore ache of being raped.

It was after he broke up with me, I realized that he had been abusing me, raping me, and I realized that it hadn't been the first time that I had been raped, the first time that I had been abused. Everything, well a lot of things, came back, like a storm, a terrible storm, I started crying, curled up in a ball and started mumbling things and scared my ex-best friend so much that she called over another friend of ours who just held me as I cried. I cried for about six hours, then stopped and just coldly stated that I remembered things from childhood, and that was it.

Will Doughty is dead now. I remember when my sister told me about it. I was 18, she had told me that he had OD'd on heroine and I said that perhaps it might have been for the better, he had stolen personal property from our family multiple times, he had gotten violent with her, too... and she slapped me, and said, "How dare you!" I don't ever say this lightly, but, I am glad that Hitler is dead, I am glad that Kim Jong Il is dead- thou I wish that his son hadn't replaced him, I am glad that Will Doughty is dead.

Rape, Feminism, and The Amazing Atheist

So Robin Williams committing suicide affected me dramatically. It is strange just how much he seemed to mean to a lot of people now in retrospect. He got hell for being an annoying actor, but now that he is gone, so many are mourning him, many of whom made so many jokes at his expense when he was alive. The people who used to hassle him remind me of the kids I went to school with in 7th grade. They would tease me some and harass me relentlessly. Also yes, I do mean harass, physically, sexually, and verbally- no teacher or administrator did a thing except when some sexual harassment got so severe that my mother found out she got the boy expelled. Most harassment that I suffered my parents seemed to assume was teasing, but having your chest grabbed and having a used condom placed on your lock that locks your locker is not teasing.

So the teens I went to school with would hate on me relentlessly. Then one day I stopped showing up for school, and I did not return for over a month. When I returned the first thing that someone said, not to me, was I wonder where she was. Someone else answered, "She was probably pregnant and had the baby." Most of the class erupted into laughter and the teacher couldn't get them to stop laughing. Before I had entered he had spoken to me and said that if I felt I needed to leave at anytime that I could. So as they ignored the teacher and kept laughing, I stood, walked to the kid's desk, and slammed my hands on it and the class went silent.

"My mother died you fucking asshole," I said in a raised tone dripping in hatred, because he was one of the ring-leaders for teasing and harassing me. He was sort of flabbergasted and finally managed a sorry but I ignored it and the teacher pulled me outside and asked if I wanted to go, and I said, no that I was fine now. After that no one at that school ever teased me. It took something so tragic as my mother dying and me also displaying a warning of possible violence, which I never swore or did things like that back then, to make it all stop. So Robin William's death stirred up memories of that. Great thing though he got in trouble, and I actually didn't get into a lick of trouble at all for swearing at age 12 hehehe.

Also, as I am an actress, writer, and lesser so an artist and I also struggle greatly with bipolar Robin Williams was someone that one of my therapists of doctors at one time had pointed out to me. Now that he is gone, we have all lost work that he was meant to do in his future... and I feel as if perhaps that I am meant to do more in my future. But then I also feel a pang of regret that he was able to so successfully asphyxiate himself and I have OD'd epicly several times and survived... It makes me feel somewhat embarrassed being reminded that I've tried to commit suicide several times and failed.

One thing that I saw that annoyed me was that on the Amazing Atheist was that men and women commit suicide equally, but women try more, so men are a lot more successful because they don't take a bunch of Tylenol then call 911. That really got under my skin a lot. What I heard later was that men blow their brains out. I don't own a gun, and I have never owned one. I have often tried to look for guns that others have owned so I could blow my brains out though. Never could find one though, so I would calculate a minimum dosage of medication that would depress my respiratory system and take way over that and not call 911, and results were sleeping for over 48 hours, sleeping for 24 hours, falling then hitting my head leading to a concussion so severe that I vomited up the likely deadly cocktail, and others calling 911. Not quite taking a bunch of Tylenol when you have taken enough tranquilizers that it should have killed you, but for some reason it didn't. I've taking more dosages of medications than celebrities have taken and then died, and lived! Been hauled off to the ER against my will, monitored, and survived, then forced to be watched for 72 hours. So the idea that all my attempts at killing myself were so horribly botched pissed me off. When I was 17 I went out into the woods and sliced my wrists so they were streaming out blood, reveling in the feeling and I forgot I had my cell so I had to answer it so it didn't appear suspicious that I wasn't answering it, and I wound up changing my mind. I have also self mutilated to the point that I should have gotten stitches but didn't. I mean, I cut about a cm strip out of my leg several inches long, several mm deep...

But yeah, I often like watching The Amazing Atheist's videos, like I like Thunderf00t's work, too. So far I have no surprised appearances in TAA's videos. There was one video that my best friend did not want me to see though, Rape, Feminism, and the Amazing Atheist, because of some of the comments that TJ, his real name, had made in heat of the moment times. He was apologizing and explaining most of them, except for one. One he stood by and even was trying to make it seem like it was so true and that all survivors of sexual trauma should abide by his comment. Especially because he got a reply that someone was helped by it. 

The comment was as follows, "Rape isn't fatal. So imagine my indignation when I saw a chatroom called 'Rape Survivors.' Is this supposed to impress me? Someone fucked you when you didn't want to be fucked and you're amazed that you survived? Unless he used a chainsaw instead of his dick, what's the big deal?' "Just because you got raped, you have to rape the English language? You vindictive bitch! Also don't you ever get tired of being the victim? How many failed relationships are you going to blame on a single violation of your personal space?"

"First of all," TJ says, "this was a piece designed to motivate rape victims to not let allow their victimhood to oppress them; to encourage them not to dwell on past events and to move on with their lives." "It's meant to be a humorous piece"  And he says I am sorry, that several rape victims this comment has motivated them move on with their lives, and not a SINGLE rape victim has told him that it 'increased their trauma' . Well I guess I am patient 0.

My long term boyfriend that I dated for years, he would always get angry at me for everything. He would be so pissed when I would be afraid of him when he was angry, because I had been conditioned that angry man=he is gonna beat the shit out of you, from my first and only bf before him, and my father. And that I couldn't stop being afraid of him being angry it would anger him more and fear me more.

He would yell and scream at me that I would be dwelling on my past when I would have a trigger PTSD event. I was raped so many times that I cannot remember, and many of them I have blocked it out. The first time I believe it was by my neighbor when I was 12, unless I blocked out something even earlier, but my first boyfriend, I can't recall how many times I was beaten or raped. TJ seems to have a blaze attitude that trauma is something that you can force yourself to get over. I try, I try really hard, but I can't stop the flashbacks from triggered, no matter how hard I try, and I do try very hard. I want to be normal like any other girl, especially because I am physically challenged now.

When it was something that happened over and over and over and over, how can you just get over it and make it not pop up in your head when you go to do it again? I was in a production of Footloose, whenever I hear the songs I feel a trigger to sing and do the dance choreography that I learned. When I start up my computer, my hands often go to where they would for playing World of Warcraft. I get into a car, I buckle my seat belt. There are so many instances in my life that when something happens I am used to something in the past, so I am triggered to do something, remember something.

I did find it really F$#%ing hilarious that he said that just because you were raped you don't have to rape the English language though... I had to pause that because I was laughing so much. Jacksfilms who does Your Grammar Sucks I love because I used to share the same things with my friends all the time, and now he does it en mass.

TJ was probably generalizing, or I hope that he was, about the rape survivors. There is a difference between being raped once by a stranger and being molested since age 5-12, raped at 12, then raped, oh and beaten, for the entirety of a relationship, then raped by your next boyfriend to boot.. Also the boyfriend who raped me, when it first happened, if you haven't read earlier posts, I wanted to go to the police, but I knew that he would kill me. Mandi Blackwell is not the name that I was born with, because he still wants to kill me. I went to my father for help cause I was 17, I knew that the cops would probably want to talk to my parent, (he had kicked me out at this point, and my apartment's door lock was broken you could jiggle it open). He said that he knew I was lying, so I had to just put up with that boyfriend until he was tired of using me... Then because I was a devout Catholic I was convinced that I was going to hell because I had been raped and he hadn't married me. (Deuteronomy) Which lead to suicide attempt 2.

I also hope that the comment about suicide by Tylenol was a jokingly generalization, too. Because when I was 17 and took gm's of a tranquilizer that I won't name due to safety reasons, I should have died. I awoke very refreshed though.

So I have been drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, and still playing WoW, and I found that On Stars Not Falling is now publicly available, and I am toying with the idea in my head of possibly trying to shoot it like a student film. With my depression slinking its hands around my neck while it pulls me under icy cold water that feels so thick, something like that would be so awesome... 

Because I never liked those falling stars, I always admired those stars in the sky who could hold on, like you, and you, and you....

I wonder if the script's been changed. God that'd be a pain in the ass to figure out.

Back again... returned and omg my back hurts

I AM BACK!

So I was watching American Addict, a documentary about how the U.S.A. uses most of the worlds RXs, and I just face palmed so much. A woman was furious about the death of her son. 

"He said he had hurt his back and that he was taking it because his back was hurting.

Oxycontin and roxi...codone, and um....... somas?

All prescribed at one time. ((said super fast))

And this doctor was prescribing him medication fuuur an illness he didn't have.

He kinda lost his... ...his drive if you wanna say...?
And I went to work, and about probably like ten o'clock, I don't even, the day is just a mess for me. {sniff} I get a call... and it's my mom.

She says, "Something's wrong with Joseph. I went to wake him up,{pause for emotional breath trying not to cry.} and there's this stuff coming out of his mouth."

And I yelled at my mom. I'm like, "Why are you calling me? Why aren't you calling the, you know, the paramedics or something or something?"

And I ran out of work. I left work... and I prayed all the way home... Tried to bargain with God... No bargaining with God... {small sad laugh} I got here...

No Paramedics.

Only police.

And so he was gone.

And... from what the coroner says is... he only took one pill. He took one pill... and his body couldn't handle it anymore, and he went to sleep, and he didn't wake up. And I guess they found out that, well, maaybee it wasn't just my son. Maaaybeee there's others. So they started doing their own undercover work.

They went in there undercover, and how easy it is to walk into a doctor's office.. and say your back hurts, "my neck hurts, my leg hurts,"... um...{shakes head} and get a prescription for a drug that is really for people with, like, cancer or something that's very, you know, a very severe illness."

You know what, my legs and back hurt, and I really could use some of those drugs they give cancer patients, you know why? I went to the E.R. a couple weeks ago because I collapsed in my own home on the floor... in front of my front door... My legs had stopped working! (again)

I didn't even have my cell phone, which is deactivated but it can call 911, which with wifi I could get on Skype and maybe get someone to come over and help me. I thought about trying to crawl out of the house and into the street. As soon as I began to drag myself a few inches pain that was already bad seared like hot iron through my spine and down my legs and radiated out into my back. I screamed as quietly as I could manage.

It took an hour for someone who is renting another room in the house I live to happen to come downstairs and find me. I was still unable to move my legs, but I had moved about three feet closer to the door.

He called 911 for me. He was also kind enough to retrieve my cellphone and keys. Paramedics came and took me to the ER, yet again. I've been to that ER because my legs  have stopped working several times. Most of the other times I have gone against my will. I had been trying to take a walk, then my legs gave out, and after being on the sidewalk for an hour some good samaritan calls 911 to come help me. Because I can't get up and walk they would strap me to a board and then haul me off to the hospital.

So at the ER when I was taken off the board I was in so much pain I screamed so loudly not only did I damage my voice for about four days, but apparently the entire ER and more actually heard me. I usually never can scream very loud, but that was extremely painful. My blood pressure showed just how much I was hurting clocking in at 144/106, and I take a blood pressure medication to lower my BP because of my constant pain.

The doctor decided to give me 2mg of Dilaudid, and against my better judgement I didn't ask for them to only give me 1mg instead of 2mg IV. They set up a saline drip, and I contemplated. The very first time I got Dilaudid it was 2mg and I was like OMFG I never want 2mg again, it was way too strong. It was right after a doctor herniated my disc to 1cm right into my spinal cord. Yeah it helped the pain, but I didn't like the way it affected my mind. But, I was actually in more pain at that moment a couple weeks ago, so I let them give me the 2mg.

I felt high, I hated it, but the pain went down enough that my screams of pain soon only became sobs and whimpers. The doctor went to me and asked me how he wanted me to help him, and I explained that I collapsed closing the door after a friend left, I just wanted to go upstairs to my room and rest. It took another 1mg of Dilaudid to let me sit up, still in a lot of pain. 3mg of Dilaudid for me to still be in quite a bit of pain, but enough to grit and bear it, so I could climb the stairs of my house and go home. So I did.

What is wrong with the medical system that so many people get drugs and treatments for bullshit things, but yet I often suffer collapsing in public because of pain. Since that vsit in that ER I got to see a pain specialist. They are not prescribing me a single pain medication. They did offer to prescribe like one pain med... ibuprofen (generic for Advil). Yeah.......

So now because I am technically in "pain management" no other doctor will give me a pain medication. My pain doctor won't give me anything for pain. My pain is severe and just going untreated and affecting my mental status by often making me have suicidal idolization because it is that severe... Just to escape the pain.

At the end of the month I am going to be homeless. Remember those walks I would take? I am going to have to do that every day, but now when I collapse, I won't be able to go to the ER, a doctor there told me that I cannot go there any longer. It was after I fell on the stairs on Saturday. Yes, I fell on stairs, hurt my back, went to the ER to get checked out, and if I fall ever again I cannot go there for that reason. So if I collapse in public, I have no idea what will happen when the paramedics come and try to force me to go there. Shelters don't let you stay there during the day.

Also not being able to rest EVER, not even a single day a week, the pain is going to compound so severely, I don't know what will happen to me physically. It is highly possible that I could have a heart attack, but I will have to see. If I did I would sort of be happy to die that way and for my father to find out. He has 2 houses, and he has denied me any assistance, even small financial. I honestly wonder if he would care.

I love the way the medical system is set up.

So about that documentary, I wrote them:

"I used to work at CVS pharmacy as the lead Pharm tech, so I dealt with patients a lot, usually because there were insurance issues, or because I often handled customer service or handling people well. I have seen pain change people over time, and I have seen narcotic drugs, varying from CV, the lowly abusive kind, up to the CII the highly addictive and abusive kind like morphine or hydromorphone/Dilaudid, change people. My manager's husband developer fibromyalgia and I saw him first change from pain, and then the pain killers made him an addict. But then over 3 years ago I was in a bad car crash, and hurt my back. I am in constant severe pain 24/7. I need to take something like oxycontin or dilaudid every few hours to stave off the pain, not to rid it, STAVE it off. My back and the three main neural pathways down my leg, radiculopathy/sciatica, never goes away. I had to go to the ER after I fell and could not get up because my legs occasionally stop working due to my spinal cord having been damaged. It took 3mg of IV dilaudid to make me stop screaming. I was given 25 norco That was 3 weeks ago, and I have 18 norco left. I don't have any other pain killers, because I have Medi-cal and I have yet to see a doctor for pain. Addicts choose to be addicts, it is very much a choice. You can resist taking extra pills, it is very easy, you are just pathetic if you cannot resist it."

My father married an ex-addict, and she got him heavily involved in Narcotics Anonymous. I know that me saying that addicts choose to be, and have ability to change it, and that it is the furthest thing from a disease ever probably will piss people off, but I stand firmly behind it because I have gotten a heavy taste of those highs that people want to get, and felt that sweet feeling from those hard narcotics. Just because chocolate cake tastes delicious doesn't force you to eat the entire cake at once until you get sick. I have had the cake, and I am fine eating it in moderation like you are supposed to.

After a Long Hiatus (dual post)

I am still fighting with social security, I've had three surgeries in the last three months, and my depression has taken a wicked hold of me. My gallbladder somehow got super infected, to the point I was running a decent fever despite taking a high dose of prescription NSAIDs around the clock, which should eliminate any normal fevers. I suppose it was fortune or fate that I happened to be on them, because I was in the hospital for an unrelated matter, and a nurse completely brushed off my extreme pain and gave me an over-the-counter medication.

I might have gotten brain damage if I wasn't on my diclofenac, because who know how high the fever would have been untreated with me thinking that the pain was just something I needed to just bear through. I need to really press charges against Hellmont, this is the second time I have come from that place suffering physical harm from their lack of care.

My depression has really kept me from writing on here, and my back pain from using the computer. The pain has been so severe for several months, and it won't let up. I am at a loss as to what to do, and to top everything off my food stamps have gone from a nice $200 which is easy to work with at grocery stores, to $60. No joke. Seriously. I need to feed myself on $2 a day. Which means, no more V8, or fruit juices, or dried fruit-which helps me because of my back, or the organic milk I like, or a lot of other healthy things that cost a bit more...

Also it has come to my attention that rape is something that people, all of whom I have met have been male-with the exception of one female who was a victim I met five years ago, is not considered a "big deal". People need to get over it. It's "held high on some stupid pedestal for no reason where it doesn't belong, it's nothing", said someone in Ungodly Wrath, the WoW guild on the Stormrage server. He's not the only one who holds this sentiment, either. It seems a lot of people are just inconsiderate to the idea that it might actually harm people. That there are such things as rape victims. They seem to think that every person who claims it is just some liar or something.

So because of government and because of these people I am fasting. I will eat what I can on my foodstamps, and nothing else, unless on occasion someone chooses to assist the wellfare case that I am. I find it ironic because my best friend wanted exactly what's happened, the government not taking care of people. So now I will be eating a caloric intake that will probably be near starvation, which I've done before, and we will see how it goes. I hope that all those stupid men out there might ackowledge that rape happens, and not every girl lies, and maybe the government can help people afford food.

Oh, and also, you lose food stamps if you study more than 4 credits of college. So despite my back problems, even if I took several online classes, I would lose that little bit of money to eat. Heh.