I've been off my bi-polar medication for about a week. I called the clinic to get it early last week, but they failed to get it, still. I have been having swings, right now I am in a bad depressive swing. Suicidal desires and thoughts are filling my head, or just very extreme self-mutilation.
I found out that my best friend, Allen's, mother is so concerned that I need a good boyfriend that she is willing to pay the fee for me to join eHarmony.com. It is a sweet gesture of an idea, but I feel so disgusted that I am so undesirable that that is the sort of extreme measure that needs to be taken for me to get a date.
My back has been faring horribly the last few weeks. The pain seems to be gradually, steadily, getting worse and worse. I can't go a day anymore without having to take a Dilaudid, when before I went over a week without event the moderate pain killers. Well, it is more than the back, though. The nerves running through both of my legs hurt so badly, stinging, just hurting, feeling like acid is designating them... it is hard to ignore. There are now so many involved I cannot trace where they go unless only one hurts, lol.
Last week I was surprised when I found out some things that Allen had epicly failed to tell me about that had affected M showing up to the arcade, completely unrelated to me, and M was surprised that I did not know. I know Allen has feelings for me, I cannot help but wonder if it was his ineptitude or perhaps motive that kept him from telling me these things. It greatly affected my behavior in a way that hurt possible chances of kindling a friendship for M and myself. Allen went and fucked my life up again.
I bear a terrible secret that I can tell no one, as I discovered when I was getting interviewed for mental health, and a scar that will never go away because of Allen. Even if he grows up and learns to take care of himself as an adult should, that scar is still there. I only think of this now because I could have sworn the other day that I think he wanted to kiss me. It makes me feel sick. He is a nice guy, the scar is in the past, but it is forever on me still.
Yesterday he was called out urgently to go out, and did not want me to go with, citing that I would take too long, and I was pissed. Reluctantly he allowed me, and he wound up going to the comicbook store before getting down to business! He thought I was a waste of time when he was going on a frivolous venture?! Then when we were home he invited me into his room to chill, but then began ignoring me, seemingly annoyed by my presence. Allen confuses me to no end and hurts me so deeply because he is my best friend and roommate. I see him so much, he helps me so much. I don't mind giving him space, but if he wants space he shouldn't invite me into his room and then become annoyed at my presence.
I am still fighting with lawyers and SSI. It all just makes me want to go back to Hellmont if I could just have my cane or wheelchair. The large scar marring my right leg, I want to do something like that. Carve out a large piece of flesh, savor the feeling. Just get away. Maybe finally take that bottle of pills. I have an appointment late next week, it would be easy to cancel if I took them all now and died. I already have everything written out in a folder titled SUICIDE on my desktop. Instructions and letters to people. Allen would feel bad though, supposedly. He really doesn't act like he gives a shit though. Just empty words and emptier actions.
